How We Treat Each Other

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Language & Communication

We try to communicate in a way that is easy for everyone to read and understand.

As much as possible, we try to use simple, clear language. We do our best to avoid using words that people might need to look up in a dictionary.

We format our written communications with headers (H1, H2, etc.) to accommodate screen reader users. Large blocks of text are hard for some of us to follow, so we write using shorter blocks of text and bullet points. We write as precisely and concisely as possible.

Some of us have disabilities that make it difficult to express ourselves with all these rules in mind. That’s why we all do the best we can and accept that sometimes, we’ll just need to ask for clarification.

We don't correct each other's grammar.

If someone’s grammar is preventing us from understanding what they’re trying to say, it’s a good idea to (respectfully!) ask them for clarification. We remind ourselves that they aren’t “wrong” for using language in a way that’s hard for us to grasp. “Correct” language is entirely subjective because of our educational, cultural, generational, and geographic differences.

Here’s why we might use different grammar from other members:

1. The evolution of language has sped up along with technology, so we’re seeing an increasing gap between what academics consider “correct” and how people actually write and speak. At DT4T, we care more about the language people use than the language institutions want us to use. If we can understand each other, it’s correct.
   
   
2. The English language has tons of dialects. Most of us have heard of African-American Vernacular English (AAVE) because it’s one of the most prolific English-language dialects, but there are 30+ others in the United States alone. “General American English” counts as a dialect, too, so there’s no such thing as “not having a dialect!” No dialect’s grammar is more correct than any other’s.
   
   
3. English is a second language for some of our members. Those of us who’ve learned a second language know that it’s extremely difficult to become fluent. We sometimes make mistakes, like using grammatical structures from Language A when we’re communicating in Language B. Unless someone has explicitly asked us to correct them to help them learn, we consider all corrections unwelcome.

We don’t like to correct each other’s spelling, either, but it’s important to our members who rely on screen readers that words are spelled correctly, or at least phonetically. When we see typos that get in the way of understanding, we gently let each other know, for the sake of access.

Some of us experience obsessions and/or compulsions regarding “incorrect” grammar and spelling that make it difficult to hold our comments back. We are still accountable for withholding our corrections while in DT4T spaces. We also work to unlearn the internalized ableism, classism, elitism, and/or racism that informs those particular obsessions, compulsions, or impulses, so we can align our actions with our values.

We avoid using certain words.

Even if we aren’t personally offended by one of these words, someone else will be, especially within this community. We do our best to respect these language restrictions while in DT4T spaces. Cursing (shit, fuck, damn, etc.) is always welcome and invited.

Common words that some Members find ableist, and alternative words to use instead:

• Crazy, insane, nuts, bonkers

• • Alternatives: wild, ridiculous, amazing, terrible, surprising

• Dumb, stupid

• • Alternatives: bumbling, silly, wrong, annoying, clueless, ignorant, reckless, ridiculous

• Idiot, moron, the “R” word

• • Alternatives: ass, chump, dickweed, dingbat, doofus, jackass, schmuck, twerp
• Lame
• Alternatives: boring, dull, uncool, disappointing
• Spaz

Other words we avoid using:

• The “N” word (except where culturally appropriate)
• Blacklist/whitelist (alternatively, we use the phrase “allow-list” and “exclude-list” for email)

We support the reclamation of the following slurs, so long as they are used as culturally appropriate self-descriptors and are not directed towards others without consent:

• Crip/cripple/crippled
• Faggot/fag
• The “N” word

If you want to add anything to this list, submit your amendment here.

We don't refer to other people's assigned gender/sex at birth.

Outside of medical and legal settings—where we’re obliged to be recognized by our Assigned Gender (or Sex) at Birth (AGAB or ASAB)—trans people, by definition, don’t associate with our AGAB. For that reason, most of us see it as misgendering when people refer to us as Assigned Female at Birth (AFAB) and Assigned Male at Birth (AMAB).

Instead, it’s more straightforward—and respectful—to be specific about what we’re discussing. As an example, rather than asking, “Can any AMABs give me advice about HRT?” it would be clearer and more respectful to ask, “Can anyone on T-blockers tell me about the side effects of starting them?” or whatever the case may be.

We don't tone-police.

Tone-policing means criticizing somebody for the way they convey information instead of giving your attention to the information itself.

Here at DT4T, most of us are at least one of the following:

• Socially traumatized
• Neurodivergent, Mad, and/or autistic
• From a different place, culture, or social group than ourselves

Those are all reasons why people might speak and write in tones that feel unkind or aggressive to us. When that happens, we work hard to recognize the difference between how we feel about their tone and the truth of what they said. As always, we assume that other Members are operating on good faith.

Whenever we feel defensive or angry at another Member, we pause to ask ourselves:

• What did they actually say?
• Were their words objectively unkind or aggressive, or am I just reading it that way?
• Did their sentiment seem respectful and relevant to the discussion?
• Is there anything I might be projecting onto this person’s words based on my personal history?
• Is there anything I don’t understand about what they said? How can I respectfully ask for clarification?

We proceed with responding only once we are certain of why we’re feeling activated by the tone and what we need the other person to understand in order for us to feel safe continuing the conversation.

If we check in with ourselves and still believe that someone is being intentionally unkind or aggressive, or if the tension is escalating, addressing the issue is not tone policing, but conflict resolution.

We don't dump our burdens on others.

In a community of traumatized people trying to help each other out, it can be easy for us to let our trauma burdens spill onto other Members. But people show up for us in ways that they deem comfortable, and that isn’t inherent permission to burden them with our problems. That’s why we always ask for consent before sharing something potentially upsetting, triggering, or heavy. 

Mutual Respect

We don't judge people for being different from ourselves.

We don’t look down on others for any reason, including:

• having limited knowledge or experience
• having fewer or greater limitations than we do
• having less or different education than we do
• having fewer or greater resources than we do (except when someone hoards wealth; then, we eat them 😉)
• being younger or older than we are
• being more or less visibly disabled than we are
• doing sex work (in fact, we uplift sex workers)
• being more or less articulate than we are
• making different risk assessments than we do
• making mistakes

We also actively avoid making assumptions about each other’s backgrounds. In the United States, where DT4T is based, our society encourages us to assume that others hold certain default identities. At DT4T, we proactively reject these default assumptions. We remind ourselves that we are not all American. We are not all located in North America. We are not all native English speakers. We aren’t all familiar with the same media. We don’t all have the same abilities. We are not all educated the same. We are not all of the same generation. 

Thankfully, though, none of us are cis heterosexuals!

We give each other the benefit of the doubt.

We assume that all other members have the best possible intentions every time we interact. We get that reassurance from DT4T’s Vetting and Conflict Resolution systems.

When another member says something that feels hurtful, we recognize it’s more likely that we’re misunderstanding them than that they meant to be unkind. Instead of replying defensively, we explain how their words made us feel and ask for clarification.

We assume that all other members have the best possible intentions every time we interact. We get that reassurance from DT4T’s Vetting and Conflict Resolution systems. 

When another member says something that feels hurtful, we recognize it’s more likely that we’re misunderstanding them than that they meant to be unkind. Instead of replying defensively, we explain how their words made us feel and ask for clarification.

Substance Use

We are cognizant of how our substance use affects others.

As a community, we believe in Harm Reduction and we do not judge anyone’s substance use. That said, some of us are personally uncomfortable being around certain substances like alcohol and recreational drugs.

We allow everyone to partake in whatever substances they like while in DT4T spaces, as long as:

• The consumption itself isn’t visible to others
• We aren’t noticeably intoxicated to others such that they feel uncomfortable

If a Member wishes to host an Event, Group, or Gathering where substance use is openly allowed, we are welcome to do so, as long as it’s clear to everyone in advance what substances might be openly consumed.

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